Morons in Papers

This story is from the back catalogue. It was a funny little ditty from 2013 that made my day when I read it. Maybe it can give you a little chuckle now too

It's a really good, heavily exaggerated, 'Brush with death' story:

Couple’s close call with bus route bollard
An elderly couple have told of their near-death experience when a bus gate bollard came up through their car as they drove over it.

Near death experience?

Michael and Nancy Snowdon, who are both in their 80s, thought a bomb had gone off under their Ford Focus Ghia. They were badly shaken as the bollard smashed into the car boot.

Bomb? You've got to love reactions like this. I fucked up, I'm going to the papers and I'm going to blow the whole silly thing out of all proportion. Why? Because I'm a moron.

Now the couple, who live in Spalding, are contacting Norfolk County Council to complain about the danger posed by the bollards, which rise and fall to allow bus access only along certain routes in King’s Lynn.

These bollards only pose a danger if you choose to ignore, or worse, just don't notice the signs warning about them.

They are also annoyed that they had to claim on their insurance and lose a large no claim discount to have extensive repairs carried out on the car,

It's a Y reg Ford Focus. That would have been written off long before any insurance company paid for extensive damage, and if I know my insurance companies they would probably refuse to pay out for this kind of thing.

and say the experience has put them off visiting King’s Lynn again.

And the drivers of Kings Lynn breathe a collective sigh of relief. You would have thought the experience would have put them off driving down bus lanes.

She recalled: “We missed the sign and found ourselves in a housing estate with no apparent way out, and followed a bus to escape.

Follow that bus! Why? Is it going your way? Why not leave the way you came in?

“There was suddenly a huge bang, which we thought was a bomb. A large bollard had come through the road, with no warning, (Apart from the signs - Bucko) and through the car, doing immense damage.

“We were lucky that we weren’t killed

Oh the humanity!

– a few feet forward and it would have come up between the passenger seats.”

And that would have killed you?

The bollard wrecked the driveshaft and left the car stranded at the Saddlebow Road gateway until a breakdown truck arrived to take it away.

The bollard came up through the boot and wrecked the driveshaft? Either you own the only production rear wheel drive Focus in existence or you're talking bollards bollocks.

Mr Snowdon said some police officers from Saddlebow investigation centre, who stopped to help, seemed “only concerned that the bollard was not damaged”.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha eeeee!

Mrs Snowdon said there was marking on the road but they did not see it as they were close behind the bus.

Obviously too close....

She said: “We were very shaken by this experience. It seems a barbaric thing to do.”

I dunno. It made my day.

A county council spokesman said: “We are sorry to hear about this couple’s experience, but it is clearly marked as a bus lane and the bollards are there to make sure it is not abused.

With fantastic results. I bet you don't do that again. Oh hang on, it wasn't your fault was it?

You probably won't learn then...