'89 Signs' Part 3

In the posts below, we've fisked a number of the '89 Signs You're Actually a Massive Tory'. Scroll down and read the others if you've not done so yet, then I'll continue

31. Calling everyone by their last name
Teachers used to do that, although these days it's probably against the human rights of the pupils or something.
It might be a Toff thing, I don't know, but there's no Conservatives I know who do that

32. Having at least one friend called Monty or a pet name like Pugs

Well I've never met a Monty or a Pugs, so I don't know. I once had a mate called Pudsey. It was supposed to be short for 'Pissed Up Dave'
He was called Dave and, well, you get the rest. The nickname wasn't really a thinker

33. Thinking veganism is cheap and everyone could do it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't veganism a disease of Champagne Socialists, rather than Tories?

34. Saying you hate the Tories but quite like BoJo because he’s “a funny guy”
Saying you hate the Tories makes you a massive Tory. Of course. Does that mean I can no longer say I hate Jeremy?

35. Planning your whole autumn around autumn internationals
WTF is an Autumn International?

36. Always drinking branded booze at pre-drinks

I presume pre-drinks is getting together at someones house (or dorm) for a couple of scoops before going out? So what the frig are you supposed to drink? I'm not aware of any unbranded booze other than Tesco Value or home brew
I would put it to you that calling a few scoops before going out, 'Pre-Drinks', makes you a massive Tory (By her definition)

37. Always paying for people’s drinks and taxis
I thought Socialist wanted rich people to spread the wealth? I suppose it only counts if you are forced to spread the wealth by the Government. Volunteerism (or just doing something nice for your mates) does not sit well with the Left

38. Having an I.O.U list on your phone of the money people owe you, even if it’s 50p
That's just good housekeeping. You should also take a photo of them with your phone in case you need to print it out and stick it on lamp posts with an offer of a reward

39. Calling yourself a centrist (it’s not a fucking real thing)
Actually, it is a fucking real thing. Just because everyone on the Left calls everyone else 'Far Right', doesn't mean that there isn't actually a centre ground

40. Playing hockey
When every bugger seems to do nothing but football, I congratulate anyone who takes another path. It's not like it's croquet

41. Saying the word “rah”
I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's another Toff thing

42. Or the word “sick” with a very posh accent
12 Year old thing. Or at least anyone who is too young to vote

43. Wearing a signet ring
Gangsta thing

45. Only smoking rollies because your friends made a comment on how much you spend on cigs a week
So taking you friends advice and saving some money makes you a Tory? Until now, this has been about flamboyant spending, but now it's about thrift? Make up your bloody mind

46. Immediately shelving any interesting ambitions in favour of something lame like recruitment or a law conversion
Interesting ambitions being what? Gender studies? Shelved in favour of something you might actually get paid to do in the future? Yes, very Tory
Unlike the Socialists who believe they have a right to study whatever the frig they like and then get a well paid job doing it the day they leave University

47. Never buying anything Own Brand ie. Sainsbury's basics or Tesco Extra Value

Meh. Some people are too snobby to buy own brand stuff, I'll admit.

48. Never smoking weed but SMASHING cocaine
Drugs are bad, M'kay? Working in the pubs, I've met many chavs whose drug of choice is coke, but of course it's also very popular with the rich. maybe doing coke just makes you a bit of a dick though

49. Trying ales at the bar before buying them
If you have a beard and sandals, that's perfectly acceptable.

50. None of your Instas are taken in the UK, they're all glam holiday snaps
Anyone who puts any photos of themselves on instagram, particularly while calling them instas, is just a massive twat

51. Having ruddy cheeks
52. Saying you miss the "Dav Cam era"

I've no idea what the first one means and I'd hazard a guess that the second one means you miss the tefal head, or you've lost you dash camera
If it's the former, any Tory worth their salt would miss the Mag Thatch Era

53. Owning anything from Tommy Hilfiger
54. Owning a Northface puffa jacket

You're confusing Tories with Chavs again

55. Secretly reading Mail Online in the morning
But if you tell everyone you're doing it, that's ok

56. Saying something like: “Why should my parents pay inheritance tax when all they do is pay tax throughout their lives”

Saying that does not make you a Tory, it makes you bloody correct. Tax has already been paid on inheritance. Taxing it again is just double the theft
As a lefty of course, the author probably thinks that inheritance tax should be 100% because privilege is bad, everyone should start from the bottom with no help from their parents and it's just 'not fair'. The politics of envy

57. Loving Radio 4
I can't comment on this one because I don't know what Radio 4 does. If it's just 24 hour re-runs of Thatcher speeches then fair enough, she's right

58. Having a secret ski chalet
59. Knowing how to horse ride

These are more Toff things, although it's becoming increasingly common for people with much lower means to insist on their girl owning a horse, particularly if she's an only child. I'm not really sure where this is coming from, but there seems to be a lot more of it about

60. Having thick luscious hair, both boys and girls
Your hair defines your politics. I know a few bald Conservatives who might disagree. And long haired hippy SJWs who probably would too

61. Having a big marquee birthday in the summer – everyone was in black tie, there was a dance floor and lots of fairy lights
Toff thing again. See my first post on this

62. Owning a sports season ticket
Fucks sake. My raving socialist boss at work has a football season ticket and a great many working class people do too

63. Doing a ski season
64. Going “inter-railing”, but spending an entire month on the Amalfi Coast
65. Going to the Henley Regatta, Ascot or Twickers every year

Toff things. See, you're still doing it

66. Not having an overdraft
That's just good budgeting, but I suppose it's normal for Socialists to think it's acceptable and expected to spend money that isn't yours

67. Parents paying off your tuition fees before you started first year
Jealous again, of people whose parents help out

68. Either living in the poshest or grimmest halls
Ok, these are getting a bit nonsensical and tedious now. Let's visit the last of them tomorrow. Bye for now