Ah what the hell, it's my gaff
So I was roaming around the virtual newspapers before work the other day and stumbled across this article entitled
12 Bad travel things which should be banned immediately
Normally when I see 'banned' in a headline, the six guns come out and I give them hell in the comments, but this article in the Telegraph Travel section was supposed to be funny rather than serious.
Apparently the use of selfie sticks (amongst other things), has been banned in Milan. The author decided to write a list of other silly holiday things that should be banned and why.
At last, a modicum of common sense in a world drowning in insanity. Milan has done what millions of adults the world over have been dreaming of for several years - it has banned the use of selfie sticks in the middle of the city.
My reaction to a ban is normally some thing along the lines of stating categorically that I don't use selfie sticks and then promising to be on the front lines in the war for your freedom to look like a complete pillock in the centre of Milan
I don't think I could seriously bring myself to fight for selfie stick freedom though, I would be too embarrassed. It would be a case of, "Sorry guys, but you brought this on yourself and you're on your own".
So I just read the article instead
Frankly, we don't think the move goes far enough. So, with tongues lodged pretty firmly in cheeks, here are a few other things from the sphere of travel which we think should be consigned to the abyss for the general good.That made me wonder. He had to actually specify that the article was tongue in cheek because presumably, we might not get that otherwise.
That's quite true and also quite telling. The calls for bans and interventions get more and more incredible by the day. We do live in a society where people can demand anything they don't like be banned and other equally brain dead muppets will actually listen to them and nod along. And worst of all, a Government that has run out of real things to do, will also listen and in a lot of cases, act
Or is that the reason? Does the author specify tongue in cheek so we are sure, or is it a get out clause. Does the author really want these things banned but expects to take some heat for it, so reserves the tongue in cheek reason so he doesn't have to justify his position?
Or is it another reason altogether? Does the author know that even if the article is obviously tongue in cheek, us Libertarians are likely to miss the point anyway and still pounce?
Anyway, who cares, Read on, it gets quite funny
Selfie Sticks
The article says:
The Earth is 4.5 billion years old. It has survived its many millennia, waxing and waning Ice Ages, and the rise and fall of the dinosaurs, without any need for a thin metal rod onto which people can attach their phone and take pictures of themselves from ever so slightly different angles than would be feasible if they were simply holding the device in their hand. Or, indeed, not holding it in the air at all. Charles Darwin sailed through his studies without snapping an image of himself gurning with a Galapagos tortoise. Leonardo Da Vinci did not capture Mona Lisa from above and to the left, pouting and making a rubbish V-sign. The world will not end if you take a normal photo without risking the eyes of a hundred passers-by with your little extendable prodder. And frankly, when you use the selfie-stick, we can all see that bald spot you're trying to hide. Just. Stop.The Moose says:
I couldn't agree more. People look like complete bellends holding selfie sticks in the air. Fortunately I don't move in a circle of friends that feels the need to use these weird things. I did have the misfortune to meet a selfie stick obsessed person once and that was at a lesbian wedding
That was an eye-opener. Wall to wall lesbians. I've never seen so many lesbians in one place
You know what struck me most about the lesbians? Half of them were dressed as prom queens and the other half were dressed as blokes? Why be a lesbian if you're going to date a bloke anyway?
I should probably say something about tongue in cheek at this point, before the entire weight of the LGBTQQWBF community pounces on me with a vengeance (now there's a thought)
But anyway, one of these lesbians was taking pictures of all and sundry with a bloody selfie stick. We couldn't get away from the damn thing. It was like some kind of magic wand
"You don't choose the selfie stick, the selfie stick chooses you"
Yes, I think the world would be a lot nicer place without selfie sticks, or selfies of any kind
Clapping at the end of flights
The article says:
Let's indulge in some (very) amateur psychoanalysis here. Launching into a merry round of applause when a plane touches wheels back onto tarmac is just odd. It is congratulating the pilot for performing the basics of his or her job. It is like whooping and cheering the taxi driver when he drops you at the kerb, high-fiving the postman as he shoves a pile of bills through the letterbox, or tearily hugging the plumber when the leaky tap stops dripping. It also suggests really low expectations of how a flight should go. "Wooh! This 747 got all the way to its destination! Without crashing! This airline is AWESOME!!" Demand more.The Moose says
I don't know about this one. I've never clapped at the end of a flight because my hands have become part of the arm rests at that point. I hate flying and only do it out of necessity.
At the end of a flight, clapping is the last thing on my mind; from the moment I get on a plane to the moment I've got my feet back on the ground, all I can think of is the fact that I know for sure this time I'm going to die. Fortunately it hasn't happened yet, but I'm convinced it will every time
If folk want to clap at the end of a flight, why not let them be happy. At least they're not going through the same sheer terror that I am
And who knows, maybe they're just happy to be out of the UK for a couple of weeks. That could make anyone happy and they know it
Duty free lies in the airport
The article says:
Can we all stop kidding ourselves that duty-free areas in airports are wondrous havens of cheap shopping and breathless bargains, gracefully bestowed on us by the Gods of Retail? How long are we going to keep falling for the idea that that £49 bottle of vodka is a steal because it is apparently being offered at "less than the high street price"? Which high street? The Champs Elysees? Park Lane? La Croisette? Fifth Avenue? Seriously, go and look in the booze aisle of your local supermarket. That same bottle of fizz will be there for a smaller sum than in that "last chance to buy" bit of the terminal just after customs (you know, the area where forgetful husbands are desperately grabbing bottles of perfume for their wife/girlfriend/mistress, which they will claim they "found at some little place on Via della Spiga" in Milan). And you won't have to spend five weary minutes trying to wedge it into the overhead locker while half a plane-load of passengers waits for you to stop faffing.The Moose says
He has a point. My mum just brought some 'duty free' fags back from Lanzarote. They were £30 a sleeve.
That's not duty free. We bought the same cigarettes in Serbia for £16. If they cost £30, either tax is paid on them for somewhere, or the price has just been heavily bumped up to make an extra buck
We often look at the duty free booze at aitports and on boats, but never buy anything as it's just not worth it
If you want a bargain, wait to you get to your destination and buy your booze and fags locally
Gourmet up-selling
The article says:
The Moose says:
the effusive descriptions of some of the food now sold on aircraft in lieu of a proper dinner service can also be consigned to the bottom of a deep and very dark pit. It is not a "Handmade rocquefort and chevre bleu sandwich on artisan sour-dough". It is a cheese bap, which was wrapped in plastic in Slough approximately three days ago. And you are going to charge me £8.99 for it. Or £13.99 if I want to add in a bag of crisps and a bottle of water, and have the "mega-meal". Which is neither "mega", nor much of a "meal".
That doesn't just bug me on planes, it bugs me in any outlet that sells food.
I don't want thinly sliced Lancashire cheese on a bed of warm toast, lightly drizzled with Worcestershire sauce. A lot of the pubs / restaurants I used to work in would come out with crap like that. It's fish and chips or a steak pie FFS!
Planes are particularly good at it though. Nine quid for a tiny sandwich and I'm always so hungry when I'm on a plane, I usually shell out for two of them. I don't know if it's the stark terror of flying that makes my hungry, or if it's just something the airlines pipe in through the air system. Whatever it is, it doesn't only make me hungry, it also sobers me up
I can have ten pints before getting on a plane (for the nerves), but as soon as I've squeezed my arse in the tiny seat, nothing. I may as well have not bothered. Which then means I have to start buying booze at five quid for a tiny can of crappy, piss weak lager.
We flew to Serbia with Lufthansa. It was sold as a budget flight, but those folk actually gave us a free sandwich and free booze, which was very nice.
I'd had a couple of beers on the way back before I realised it was only ten o'clock in the morning. Oh well
English breakfast in Spansh seaside resports
The article says:
Look, the entire continent already thinks we're a bit weird because of the whole Brexit thing. You're in the south of Spain. There's a cafe down there serving an array of delicate pastries, delightful cold-cut meats and a host of fine coffees. Are you sure you want four sausages, three eggs and a bucket of bacon? It's 35 degrees out there man, for pity's sake.The Moose says:
Nope! I'm not having any of that. One of the highlights of my holidays is having a full English breakfast. There's no other time during the year when I have a cooked breakfast for breakfast, only on holiday.
The first thing we do is root out a bar that has a decent breakfast with proper sausages, not them hot dog things that many foreign restaurants use. And then have one every day for the rest of the holiday
We went to France a few years ago. Our host told us that breakfast is served from 8. He then went on to tell me that he prefers English breakfasts to Continental ones. I took that to mean he actually served English breakfasts. I was gutted to come down to a small piece of flaky pastry
We never found anywhere in Normandy that did English breakfasts, so no, that's a fundamental part of my holidays and I'm bloody well keeping the tradition
(And I notice there was a Brexit dig in there too)
Instagram photos of your dinner
The article says:
The Moose says:
Five-year-olds who play with their food and leave it on the plate to get cold go straight to bed with no story and no chocolate. Twenty-three-year-olds who do it get a million followers on Instagram, and a false sense of their own worth. The planet is a strange place at times.
I know, right? What is it about putting photos of bog standard food on Facebook in order to get likes? It not even as though anything goes into the presentation
The only excuse for putting food pictures on the Internet is if you own a restaurant and you want to entice people in to sample your thinly sliced Lancashire cheese on a bed of warm toast.
No. Please. No more food pictures
There are others, but that's it for my input
It's not long now until I'm off on my holidays. I'll try to get a selfie of me on a plane with some duty free perfume, eating an eight quid gourmet sandwich
Hope y'all have a great evening, Soon be Monday
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