The 89 Signs You Should Write for the Guardian

So a student writing in 'The Tab' has given us the 89 signs to watch out for, that reveal we might be massive Tories:

The 89 signs you’re actually a massive Tory

'The Tab' is total rubbish. It's like one big Outbrain or Taboola advert. The next article along is entitled, "There are nine types of uni girl energy, so which one are you?"

Diyora Shadijanova (Is that how you say it?), the author of '89 Signs,' is on her way to bigger and better things as a Guardian Columnist though, if this piece is anything to go by

You don't really need to read any of the article to fully understand the motives of the author. The title itself, 89 sighs you're actually a massive Tory, spits hatred of anything Right of Left, before you begin

Have you been hating the poor and the EU more than usual lately? Or have you realised that inheritance is really fucking great? Has it suddenly dawned on you that you're completely disillusioned with the left and the Labour Party is an actual shambles?

Well I hate to inform you, but it sounds like you've caught a strain of Toryism.

Quite typical really. If you want to leave the EU, you must hate the poor, inheriting money is bad and understanding the Left and the Labour Party is a total joke, doesn't mean you don't vote for them

It get much worse as you get into the list of '89 signs', but before I begin that very long fisking, I'm going to go arse about face and start with my conclusion

Which is, she has confused Tories with High Class Snobs

When she uses the word Tory in this article, she doesn't mean Conservative voters; she doesn't mean normal people, our families and our friends, the people we know who vote Conservative and whose politics are leaning towards freedom and individualism and a small state

No, she means people who were educated in universities like Eton or Cambridge, inherited a fortune from their families, own horses, hunt foxes, have titles, servants, Bentleys and hobnob with the sort of society you'd most expect to see in a Jane Austen novel

To this young woman, the Left is all sweetness and light and everything that is good in the world and anyone not of the left, is stinking filthy rich and uncaring. So when she says the word, 'Tory', what she is actually thinking of is, 'High Class Snob'. That must be how students see Tories these days. They're only students though, they'll grow up

As a Libertarian, I've no issue with High Class Snobs. I know there's some issue to be had with landed gentry and Lords and Ladies and all that business, but we're not living in Austen's England anymore, so it's not worth my attention. I've had some contact with high class snobs in the past, but they were career snobs rather than titled snobs

It all started when a young lad came to work in our office about twenty years ago. His father was a barrister or QC or something and the family were incredibly well off. The lad was doing his further education at one of the posher universities, I can't remember which, and he was taking a year out to get some work experience

Experience was what he really needed. He was a great lad, friendly, decent and good to be around and he was very well educated at about the 'University Challenge' standard. I was always over the moon to get just one question right on that programe

What he didn't have was common sense. Not a bit of it

While he was at our company, he invited me to his 21st birthday party. It was a black tie affair and I'm not talking the black tie you dig out of the back of a draw and dust off once in a blue moon, but the full regalia and all the accompaniments. My black tie was of course, dug out of the back of the draw and dusted off

I took a girl with me. We had been dating for a month or two, but broke it off a couple of weeks before this party. She joined me to keep me company and for the experience, as she was more suited in that kind of environment than I was

I knew she was out of place when I first met her in a Blackburn nightclub. My idea of a good night out was to see Disco Dave's Friday night show down the Borough pub. She would have been more at home coming out at the Court of St James in the 1800's

I can't remember her name now, but she was hot. She was smoking hot, but unfortunately we were very different people. So I introduced her to the toffs. She would have been perfectly happy settling down with the son of a High Court Judge or Hedge Fund manager, many of which were in attendance, but unfortunately for her, that never happened

All the lads there (it was only lads) were so intimidated by her, they all kept their distance, even though they knew we were not a couple and clearly fancied her, she just scared the bejesus out of them. If they just had a bit more wide world experience, one of them could have got very very lucky that night

Anyway, these were all high class toffs who would stand to inherit a large fortune from daddy. Our author hates these people out of probably nothing more than jealousy. She mentions inheritance as being a bad thing in her article and that's probably because she will never receive much of one

But what's the issue with inheritance? I mean I'll probably get a couple of grand when the folks pop it, but some people inherit enough cash that they'll never have to work again, maybe even their kids and grand kids will never have to work again

If you've got what it takes to be a QC or a judge or the head or a computer company or whatever the hell it is that made your fortune, why shouldn't you be allowed to share that self made wealth with your children when you go? The alternative is for everyone to be forced to start at the bottom, which is clearly what the leftists want, as they can't stand 'inequality' or 'privilege'.

And if everyone has to start at the bottom, who inherits the left over money? The Government of course. A Government who will definitely blow it all on the undeserving, when it could be left in the hands of someone who might spend it wisely. Money in the hands of an individual who understands the value of money can be a very powerful force for good. Money in the hands of a Government is usually a very powerful force for evil

Anyway, enough of that, we've got '89 signs' to fisk. Let's make a start or we'll be here all night

1. When a tip gets automatically added to a restaurant bill, demanding it gets taken off

This seems a bit American to me, unless this kind of thing happens in London or in student towns? Never the less, tipping is voluntary. I have never seen an involuntary tip added to a bill (even in Nashville), but would not be too impressed if I did. I always tip unless there is a real reason not to, but I do it in cash once we leave the table and never add it to the card payment of the bill
If a tip was added and it was equal to or less than the tip I was planning to give, I might be inclined to let it go, depending on how I felt at the time. If it was more, then no

2. Not giving money to homeless people because ‘they’ll just spend it on drugs.
Sounds like a good enough reason to me. There's plenty of help for homeless people these days, if they want to take it. I don't tend to indulge beggars. I'm only charitable to people I know personally

3. Having more than one house in an affluent area, but really playing it down
This is the toff thing I was talking about. 99.9% of Conservative voters don't have two houses in affluent areas. Some may have a holiday home or caravan maybe

4. Moaning about having no money or student loan left, even though you get a monthly allowance from the bank of mum and dad
That's just poor budgeting. And you don't have to be a Tory voter to be someone whose parents help out from time to time

5. Bringing a car up to uni and it’s one of the following: Mini Cooper, Fiat 500, VW Polo or Golf
Interesting choice of cars. I would have said that driving any of those cars just makes you a woman. This is one area where I don't really get parents though. As soon as their kid passes their test, they buy them (or puts towards) a brand new car. If I had kids (which fortunately I don't), I would not buy them something brand new for their first car, it would be a functioning banger. New drivers always do damage to their cars while getting used to them and the road.
But this isn't just a Tory thing, almost everyone seems to do it these days

6. Being insured on the Land Rover at home
I wonder if her issue is with being insured on the folks car, or the type of car? Would she think you a Tory if you were insured on the Vauxhall Cavalier at home? Or the Fiat 500?

7. Having three dogs. The longer their legs are, the more Tory you are
Well having a bunch of short legged attack dogs if defiantly a chav Labour socialist thing, so longer legged dogs must be a Tory thing, although I thought fancy breeds with funny hair were more of a posh person choice
A basic fact is though, Libertarians have cats

8. Getting really flustered over the private school vs. public school debate
Personally I can't be bothered with that debate. I do think there should be Grammar schools, because contrary to the socialist position, not everybody is equal. I also think we should bin religious schools. Apart from that, send your kids where you want. Home school them if you want to

9. Ordering a Deliveroo at least once a week
Is that any takeaway you get delivered, or just those delivered by Deliveroo? What does she have against Deliveroo? Probably hates Uber too

10. Getting an Uber rather than the cheaper option of walking or public transport
Ahh, there it is. Some people don't like the cheaper option. Some people prefer not to walk in the rain. Some people, like myself, think public transport smells and has too many screaming kids in it. I don't think you have to be a Tory to take the odd taxi

Let's leave it for there now, eh? Join me in the next post and we'll fisk a few more of the '89 Signs'

Be well