The Moose: Smoking in your car

The anti-smokers will do pretty much anything to make it difficult for people who enjoy smoking, to do so. They've had us kicked out of all the pubs, restaurants, cafes, cinemas and off all public transport

They even tried to stop us smoking in our own cars, but all they could manage, for the moment, was to ban us from smoking in cars with children present

They are still working on making smoking in cars a safety issue so they can ban us all from doing it, kids or no kids, but they haven't quite pulled it off yet

The next best thing when they can't bring in a law, is to scare us into voluntarily doing it. Fortunately for those of us with a brain, this bollocks just won't wash:

This is why you should NEVER smoke in your car – and it could cost you £2,000

Oh this should be good, do tell

Smells, stains and burn marks can knock £2,000 off the price of your motor, according to experts.

Experts eh? I wonder how many people have a PHD in the effects of bacci smells in cars? Well I'm in my forties and I've never bought a car that's worth £2000, never mind one that could be depreciated in value by that much

Never-the-less, smells, stains and burn marks are not going to be appealing to prospective buyers. So:

Burn marks: I've never dropped a fag in the car and burned the upholstery. I think I probably speak for most smokers here too. Some people do it I'm sure, but if you're going to be that careless, tough shit

Smells: My car does smell a bit of fags because I always have a ciggy when I start driving. That smell does not last beyond a good cleaning though, which I also do often. Anyone who is planning to sell a car gives it a good clean before doing so, unless it's a total piece of shit

Stains: Seriously, stains? I though we were talking about smoking in the car, not pulling one off in it?

And that's if you can actually shift the car at all.
Carbuyer quizzed 6,000 buyers looking for a new ride and 87 per cent said they wouldn't sign on the dotted line for a car that'd been smoked in.

That's a car that's been smoked in, not a car that smells of smoke or has burns (or worse, stains). Probably because the Tobacco Control Industry have convinced enough people of the utterly ludicrous idea of third hand smoke

And it's the same if you look to trade it in to a dealer.
Price experts Cap HPI said the first thing a salesman will do when looking at a car sold by a smoker is to knock down the price of the part exchange.

If I was part-exing a car with a dealer (not likely), they wouldn't have a clue that I had ever smoked in it

If you've been smoking in your car all is not lost - although it isn't a case of just opening the windows and letting the car air out.

All is not lost!

Smoke gets ingrained in the upholstery meaning you may even need to replace the headlining of your car.

Actual fucking LOL! Notice how they picked on the most insanely difficult part of the upholstery to replace? At best, all you need is a bit of Fabreeze. Realistically, a good interior clean with the usual stuff you buy from the pound shop will be more than enough

And a special "bomb" might be needed to clean out the air con system.

Fuck off! Air con works using a refrigerant liquid in a closed system (in a nutshell)

It may be necessary to steam clean your seats, wipe the dash with antibacterial products and wet vacuum the carpets.

I'm sorry but I wasn't aware that tobacco smoke, from burning tobacco at a high temperature, contains bacterias that would necessitate anti-bacterial products. And I am right
And anyway, a good clean would usually involve cleaning the upholstery with some kind of shampoo and polishing the dash, so what of it?

This cleaning procedure can easily set you back £150 - but that's better than losing £2,000 when you sell it.

In a pigs eye! A normal cleaning procedure with pound shop products would set you back a fiver. And nobody would be any the wiser that you often sit in your car, light up a big cigar and express your delight at a plan coming together (without making stains)