Don't Fear the Snipper?

I was talking with some friends on Frank Davis' Smokey Drinkey Bar on Saturday night. One of the 'after many beers' conversations was about the time when I had the snip

Then yesterday I spotted this tripe in the Guardian (where else):

Vasectomies are suddenly unpopular, but in a heterosexual couple it’s a feminist action for a man to take

A feminist action?

My husband doesn’t want a vasectomy. [...] But the thing is, he and I have finished having babies and I feel like my turn should be over. A vasectomy would feel like a feminist action on his part, an acknowledgment of everything I have been through that has got us to this point in our lives.

Everything you've been through? Pain for pain? An eye for an eye? A penis for a... never mind, just kidding

Mrs Bucko and I do not have kids and have never wanted them. When I had the snip, I certainly wasn't thinking about any feminist issues, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Mrs B was taking regular contraception and would have had to continue to do so for many years. Having the snip was a permanent solution and I like permanent solutions. The fact that she benefited the most from that choice was the main reason I made the choice, but feminism had nothing to do with it, it was just convenient

My husband doesn’t want a vasectomy. I don’t blame him: it might be a 15-minute procedure carried out under local anaesthetic, but it’s not exactly a spa treatment.

And there it is

My wife doesn't want a baby. It might be a couple hours of minor work to bring about the miracle of life, but it's no spa treatment

I'm sorry, but any woman who describes the snip in those terms, deserves to be told that shoving a seven pound pot roast through your vagina is just a walk in the park. Yeah I know, giving birth is far more painful than having the snip, but still, it's far from an easy prospect

If any man reading this is planning to have the snip done under a local anaesthetic, don't. Just don't!

If you've not had the snip yet, I'll be honest with you. It hurts. Sure, I've heard some blokes say it was nothing, that they were back at work again the day after, but to be honest, I reckon they just don't want to admit how much pain they were in while walking around like they had just got off a horse

When I decided to go for it, my doctor recommended some chap in a local surgery who does the op under a local. He said I would be in and out in an afternoon, so I decided to go for it
And as it turned out, I was in and out in an afternoon, but still unfortunately, with my bollocks intact. Have you ever had a needle in your bollocks? The first anaesthetic injection didn't work, so he had to give me a second, then a third. Apparently adrenaline counteracts the painkiller and I'll tell you this. Watching someone about to stick a needle in a testicle that is attached to you, is enough to give you a right good jolt of adrenaline. Feeling it will give you another

Every time he stuck me with the damn thing, my body fought back with it's own drugs. In the end, after my bollocks had enough holes in them, they were leaking on the trolley, the chap decided that having the snip done under a local was not for me

All that pain for nought

So I got myself booked in to have it done under a general. When the surgeon spoke to me on the day, he told me in no uncertain terms that the snip is not something that should be done under a local. I wish I'd found that out sooner

The general involved a full day in the hospital. I couldn't eat or drink anything for hours and had to wait all morning and a good portion of the afternoon sat in a waiting room wearing nothing but my dressing gown, which I only noticed on the day, was covered from head to toe in cat hairs. I must have looked a right sight
I was quite shocked when I woke up after the op though; it felt like I had been asleep for days. I can't remember ever feeling so rested. And the tuna sandwich they gave me was the best I've ever tasted. I wouldn't mind getting hold of some of the drugs they gave me, if that's what it does to you

Anyhoo, by the evening, the drugs had wore off and the pain began. They gave me a weeks sicknote and I used it all. I was still doing the 'just off a horse' walk for a couple of days after I went back to work. One side took a lot longer to heal than the other one. I think that walking to the Co-Op to buy a bottle of Jim Beam when I got home from the hospital, tore one or two of the stitches

My wife was fortunately off work that week, so while I healed, we spent most of the week sat on the couch drinking Jim Beam and watching Sons of Anarchy together

It might have been quite bloody stingy, but all in all, that wasn't a bad week

These days, when people ask me if I have, or am having kids and I tell then no, just to let them know how serious I am, I say I've had the snip. Twice

Lads, one more time, if you're getting it done, take the general anaesthetic and tuna sandwich option. Don't even consider a local