There is no Hell...

...in my opinion.

Lots of people believe in many and varied religions. I think it's because they are afraid to die and all religions promise some kind of continuation after death.

The trouble is, when people devote their entire lives to worshipping some form of God in order to cheat death, they often forget to live.

I'd rather make the most of the life I know I'm going to get, this one, and not devote any time on an afterlife that I don't believe is coming anyway.

And my philosophy is a win-win situation. Here's why:

I do the best I can with this life and die happy knowing I did it my way (hopefully without breaking into song). What happens then? If I'm right and there is no God and no afterlife, job done. Kerching!

If I'm wrong, and I rarely am *ahem*, one of two things will happen:

1) I go to Heaven. Not bad. Heaven is supposed to be pretty top drawer cool. Some people say it's to die for. It would be nifty if everyone had their own individual Heavens. I suppose that's the only way it could work, really. I don't want to go to Heaven only to find that Jo Brand died before me and her idea of Heaven is to have a captive audience with me in it. Sat next to Frank Sinatra singing endless renditions of, "He did it his way (and look where it got him)".

2) I go to Hell. Hell is supposed to be all fiery and torturey and stuff, and my idea of Hell really is Jo Brand in the flesh, probably pissed up and trying to get into my tidy whiteys.

I don't see it that way though. I think Hell would be pretty cool for someone like me. Don't worry, I'm going somewhere good with this. I'll explain.

This is the story if I remember it correctly. Jump in if I'm wrong.

The Devil wasn't always the Devil, he used to be an Angel. A pretty high up and influential one by all accounts, maybe even family. But one day the Devil / Angel did something really bad. So bad that he pissed God off so much he was thrown out of Heaven for good.

I'm not sure what he did, but as I understand it, God is supposed to be quite a forgiving chap, bible stories aside, so it must have been serious.

So the Devil is cast into the pit and has to set up his own gaff and he calls it Hell. Sounds better than 'Chez Devil'. Now anyone who annoys God to the extent that he won't let them in Heaven, goes to Hell instead. That's assuming they haven't got unfinished business and have to walk the Earth for eternity, which doesn't sound good. Must remember to settle everything before I go.

So let's assume that my lifetime of doing as I please rather than as I'm told by a chap with a funny collar, has got Gods back up so much that entry to Heaven is acessus deniedium. I go to Hell.

The Devil was chucked out of Heaven by God and the Devil hates God. I was refused entry to Heaven by God because God hates me. Why is the Devil going to torture me with fire and brimstone and Jo Brand for eternity? He's not is he? We're going to be best buds.

When I arrive at the fiery gates, the Devil will be waiting there with a six pack of John Smiths in one hand and a pack of Cubans in the other.

See. It's a win-win situation.

2 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Bucko The Moose said...