His Excellency, Mike Penning, Minister for Road Safety will now make a statement.

Listen up loyal subjects of the state (may it last forever). We are about to enact a new law. All laws are good laws and this new law is good.

The state (may it last forever) hates motor vehicles. Motor vehicle ownership, while not illegal, is frowned upon.

Henceforth, if you choose to purchase a motor vehicle, the state (may it last forever) will enter your details on it's new "You are a criminal" database.

If you are not a criminal you mat opt out of this database by filling in a SORN declaration or purchasing car insurance.

We will then transfer your details to our "You may not currently be a criminal but we are watching you" database.

The State (may it last forever) will supply a number of car insurance options. Please visit Direct.gov/gocompare.

Please note, prices may be prohibitively expensive and will increase way above inflation each year. This is to protect the kiddies. Measures to protect the kiddies are good and must not be questioned.

If you should choose to purchase a motor vehicle, please ensure you follow all the laws surrounding the use of such a vehicle.

Never use a mobile communication device, even when stationery or driving an automatic. If you do, you will kill a kiddie. The State (may it last forever) must protect all kiddies.

Never smoke in your motor vehicle. This is to protect the kiddies from passive smoking. This law applies even when kiddies are not in the vehicle. In order to cut costs our benevolent secret police service has been instructed to only pursue ideological crimes. Therefore, they cannot spend their time checking if you are breaking the law, they must just assume that you are.

Always wear a seat belt. The State (may it last forever) is responsible for your own safety*.

*The State (may it last forever) is only responsible for your safety until you hurt yourself. Responsibility is then passed to the NHS*.


*To keep costs down, the NHS may only choose to treat those deemed ideologically sound.

Mini motos' may be purchased but may never be driven anywhere

This statement will be repeated every day in all media outlets until you are sufficiently conditioned.

Long live the coalition.

Long live the state.