Boxing (I don't want to blog about politics) Day

Did I ever tell you about the time I went on an audition for the Weakest Link? No? Well shut thi gob and I'll begin.

As you may know, me and Mrs Bucko used to be relief managers for a large pub company. All that meant was we would run a pub for a couple of weeks while the regular managers was on holiday. Sometimes it would be a couple of months or so while they were looking for a new manager after the current one had left.

We once did two weeks in a little local boozer in Morecambe. This one was an easy gaff that almost ran itself. Doing the relief was very often a hard slog with long and difficult hours. On the odd occasion when we got a simple one like this, we did our best to make the time as easy as possible for each other.

It wasn't necessary for us both to be working all the time in this pub, so Mrs Bucko did most of the daytimes, and I did most of the evenings. We got on very well with the locals, but when I was upstairs in the daytime, Mrs Bucko kept telling them I was in bed, so I was always getting ribbed for sleeping all the time.

That might seem a bit like laziness, but in the pub trade you relax at any opportunity you can get, so if you get an easy pub you take advantage of it. If there is one thing that is common to all pub managers, it's the size of their DVD collection. Managers always seem to have hundreds of DVDs, so it's quite easy to while away the day with a few films.  The more successful the manager, the bigger the DVD collection. The reason is, a successful manager doesn't really do a lot of work. They have all the bases covered and they just let the pub run itself. I've met mangers who have run many successful pubs for years and have just employed a good assistant manager to do all the work and they live the high life.

Some anti-capitalists out there would be horrified at this. The highest paid person in the pub does the least work? Exploitation, slave labour etc. Rubbish. The thing is, these managers have done all the crap that comes with being a bar supervisor or a relief manager and they've done it for years. They have earned the right to take it easy or to have a few scoops with the locals.

Anyway, I digress. I had sent off for an application form to go on the Weakest Link. This arrived just before we left for Morecambe so I took it with me to spend some time filling it in. One of the questions was, "How would you describe yourself in only four words?". I was having a bit of difficulty coming up with a suitable answer for this one so I went downstairs and asked the locals for some advice. One lad chirped up instantly, "Half man, half mattress".

It got some laughs (at my expense) so I decided to use it. I think it was that line that got me the audition. A chap from the telly rang me up, and it was Half man, half mattress that he kept talking about. After a brief chat on the phone he invited me to an audition in Blackpool.

I hate Blackpool with a passion. Every time I go there I get lost. Before I joined the pub trade I used to work for a national optical company. They had a shop in Blackpool that I had to visit quite often. Every time I went there, without fail, I got lost. I even managed to get lost on the way out as well. I always ended up heading for Lancaster on the motorway when I needed to be going in the opposite direction. I had solemnly vowed never to go to Blackpool again, and now, here I was with an audition for a telly program and it was in bloody Blackpool. I was gutted but I had to go anyway.

I set off two hours earlier than necessary, got hopelessly lost and eventually arrived with five minutes to spare. Just as I thought I would. Blackpool is my nemesis.

The audition involved a group discussion, a mock up of the game show itself and then a private interview. I don't know why I expected Anne Robinson to be there but she wasn't. Her place in the game was played by a plump Scottish girl who was insufferably bubbly.

Most of the audition went really well and I thought I was definitely in with a chance. I answered all my questions correctly, stood up to being mock-ribbed in hoch noo language, and seemed to stand out enough from the rest of the group to believe I would get picked. This was until the final part, the one on one interview which was done on camera. Suddenly I was very nervous. She asked me a few question which I mumbled through and then said,

"What do you think Anne Robinson will ridicule you for?".

"Erm......because she's a bitch?"

"No, no. I mean what thing about you will she ridicule?".

"Oh......Erm......I don't know".

I never did get that call back.